I have it here in my hand. The piece of paper a dermatologist gave me when I complained about an ominous bug bite that was doubling in size each hour size and turning the hue of Welch’s grape juice. “Apply mustard, or white vinegar, or chew some tobacco and put the nicotine juice on the spot.”

You just said what?

Strange as it may seem for a Yankee to admit, “I don’t dip snuff or chew, or play with those that do”.  In fact, the closest I have ever gotten to chewing “tabbacky” (besides watching TV baseball players spit ) is playing with a turtle shaped spittoon my Grandmother had. When you stepped on the head (the spittoon’s, not my grandmother) the shell popped open to reveal a small brass bowl. We kept marbles in it. I have the turtle in my home today (yes, I keep the marbles in it and okay, I may have lost a few over the years). But I have to confess, it really never occurred to me in this day and age that anyone might walk into my home and actually spit into the thing, or need to.

Now I am all for homeopathic cures and I don’t doubt that nicotine enhanced with spit can cure a great deal of woes, but since I was “afeared” that my malady was created by the likes of a brown recluse spider bite (read: Ebola breath) the thought of adding insult to injury made me a tad bit squeamish.

Thus I resisted the temptation of going down to the General Store and standing downwind of the good ‘ol boys with a gnaw of chew the size of a Buick in their mouths and hoping for a strong breeze and that perchance “a little dab’ll do ya”.

Instead, I went directly home from the doctor’s and waited for nature to take its course. Fortunately that process did not include an agonizing death with an equally agonizing twangy dirge which would have killed me all over again. Yes, I am happy to report that the itching and swelling subsided of its own accord. That after nearly killing myself with a plethora of remedies of my own invention: peroxide, rubbing alcohol, aloe, lemon juice. (I  know, I  know a ‘C’ student in chemistry should never be allowed in the kitchen to experiment on medical breakthroughs while they have a fever affecting their judgment)

So after I was on the mend, in the name of science and gathering fuel for my blog, I asked several of the natives in ‘these here parts’ what they would suggest to cure an inflamed itchy bug bite. And while several of you of the scarlet-upper- vertebrae-persuasion, (i.e. red neck wisenheimers) suggested I simply stay away from bugs in the first place, including such sarcasm as: Bite them first preemptively, wash the floor with PineSol and moonshine, burn Citronella candles and kerosene in the Tiki torches, or move back to Santa Barbara where they only have 2 resident mosquitoes on Leap Year. The rest of the sincere contributions are fascinating, I can assure you. So now (drum roll please) in no particular order and with zilch for a guarantee on results I present to you “The cure (s)!”

Apply: crushed ice which has been packed into a more or less clean muslin dish towel, mineral oil, mud, clay, a beer bottle cap filled with boiling water inverted to scald and numb the area (this from a biker acquaintance’s blog where scalding flesh and beer caps are often found in the same sentence), Crest, Absorbine Junior, Preparation H, Solarcaine (okay, not all of these are ‘natural’ cures, but either are their active ingredients indicated for bug bites, when last I checked), we might as well add Windex courtesy of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, witch hazel (which is who or what?), gin, tequila (externally, bummer!), lye soap, used tea bags and last but not least Tea Tree oil (Yes, from the very Tea Tree you have growing right outside your own back door). I am not so sure if these remedies are meant to help the infected area or just burn off a fair portion of epidermis to remove all evidence of the original bug bite.

Additionally, there are a sundry of poultices made from: Chickweed, Plantain, Wintergreen, Yarrow, Yew, Watercress, Chamomile, Lavender, Hyssop, Mint, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme (what no Parsley?). These are often mixed in various machinations with animal lard, olive oil and/or bees wax (bee bite cures will be covered in another blog).

And if you think that is bad, I heard of a local cure for the mumps…rub sardine oil all over your cheeks and neck. Thing is, I don’t if it cures the mumps or just keeps everyone away so they can’t hear you moan.

Me? When it comes to bug bites I think I’ll stick to that old remedy in the 50s song, Poison Ivy. “I’ll get me a potion of Calamine lotion.”

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